I'm shy. And though my friends would probably never know it, talking to strangers is like pulling teeth. I'm always afraid I'm going to say something stupid or inappropriate, so I typically keep to myself. I've been thinking about this a lot recently because I'm going to the HOW Design Conference in Austin this June, and while I've attended these conferences before, this will be the first one where my husband, Rob, can't go with me.
Rob is the exact opposite of me. He can talk to anyone, anywhere, about anything. That's why he's always my safety net. Just being near him makes me feel more comfortable and confident. But alas, I'll be alone in a strange place with strange designers.
I keep thinking back to my first HOW Conference in San Diego. After sitting through many sessions without chatting up a single person, I went into one particular session with the mission of making a new friend. I got there early, chose my seat, and a young girl with funky glasses and a kitty cat hoodie sat two seats over. "Perfect," I thought. So I practiced my line over and over in my head until I mustered up enough courage to actually speak it. "This session looks good, huh?" I asked the designer girl. She looked at me like I was bothering her, grunted something under her breath, and focused her attention back on the empty speaker's podium.As you can imagine, I didn't try to speak to anyone else throughout that conference.
So I've decided that what I need to do is practice. Practice my small talk. Obviously I won't meet anybody interesting if I'm just sitting there quietly.
Today's Assignment: Make Small Talk
There is a friendly girl at the Starbucks where I get my daily Café Mochas. She started to chit chat with me a little over the last few weeks. Each morning, I try to start up friendly little banter, though usually I feel uncomfortable and abandon ship after 15 seconds or so. This morning I quipped, "It's a Monday, so I'll need the Venti today instead of a grande." Then I made some sort of comment about how chilly it is today. I felt so awkward, but I'm hoping it'll come more naturally as time goes on!
I'm going to make it my personal assignment to make as much small talk as possible this week. The cashier at the grocery store, the stranger in the elevator, the coworker in the restroom. Feel free to join me if you have the same troubles! If you don't, do you have any tips for starting conversations? Any little phrases or questions that help you get the ball rolling? I could use all the help I can get!
Happy Monday!
41 comments:
The elevator at work is the worst! I always find it so NICE when the other person starts chatting though, makes me feel a lot bouncier and like I met a nice person. Even little comments about not wanting to go back to work after lunch or the old weather standbys can be good practices; fairly short and leaves it to the other person to continue, or not. And the elevator ride is a short period of time!
Oh, I can relate to you so much! (And btw, I've always envied charismatic people like your husband who just ooze self-confidence.)
For me, kids are a no-fail conversation starter--either my kids, or theirs, or someone elses. Parents are always (well, usually) ready to commiserate the trials and tribulations of raising children.
It's a little act of courage to strike up a conversation, but it does get easier with practice. My best tip: ask a question or pay a sincere compliment. Or both. "I love that jacket. May I ask where you got it?" "Your son is adorable. How old is he?" "I haven't had one of those triple espresso whatsits before. Is it good?" People will either respond warmly or they won't.
The key is to not take what might seem to be snubs personally. Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe they're just terrified of conversation. Or maybe they're just not very nice, and you don't really want to talk to them anyway. But you don't know until you try.
Several of my good friends are people I met randomly and struck up conversations with, and I'm also a closet shy person.
I feel the same, terrible way about small talk, Melissa. I'm going to really try and work at this for a week. I'll let you know when/if I have any forced, uncomfortable conversations....they should make girl scout badges for things like this.....
I'm the same way and have made very conscious efforts in the past to rectify this - with varying success.
I go to jazz camp every year, where I spend an entire week with hundreds of other musicians trying to learn to play jazz. I've never been good at small talk or even making friends, so this is always a good opportunity to work on that. Being in a setting where no one knows me allows me to act in a completely different manner with little consequences. I try to be outgoing. I sit down to lunch at tables with complete strangers instead of taking the safe way out and sitting with people I've already met. Since we're all musicians, I have my opening line set for me: "What do you play?"
One thing I've found that helps me is to really listen to what they say. So much of conversation, particularly between people who don't know each other, is waiting for the other to stop speaking so you can continue with what you want to say. I try very hard to keep the conversation going, if they're open to it. Learn about who they are, where they're from, relay common experiences and show interest in differences. Ask questions about other interests.
Granted, this is an isolated situation, but it does help me when I get back to reality. I still miss a lot of opportunities to talk to someone new simply because I'm too shy to talk, but not as many as I used to.
I find comfort in chit-chatting with strangers. I don't like the idea that there are strangers in this world, so whenever I am with someone for an extended period of time (grocery lines, elevators, etc), I feel compelled to talk to them. It's weird. And I don't even know how I start conversations with them, it just happens.
Thanks for the comments, everyone!
Dionne, I think it just comes naturally for some people. I wish I had that talent!
Seems like there are a lot of NICE people out there who have trouble with this...as do I! I get my questions ready too but I've learned to throw in some questions that require more than a yes or no because that response can be the end of your chat! It's a fine line we walk because I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I'm asked too many questions by someone I don't know. I don't want to be interrogated! You can sometimes get some "guilt" conversation in a situation like you mentioned...if you make a second comment along the lines of "Well, I've sure been looking forward to this but I'd better not bother you any more." Best of luck!
I remember a Seinfeld once where Jerry turned to a lady stranger and said "you might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast".
That's my small-talk backup if I can't think of anything original.
I'm a chatter, my husband is not. It took him a while to not see the strange looks I got sometimes as personal validation that one is not supposed to talk to strangers. Occasionally he'll ask me if I noticed when someone reacted poorly to my spontaneous conversation with them but now it's only to find out if I even noticed and not to lead into a talk with an undertone of that's-why-you're-weird-to-do-it. As a matter of fact, I'd even venture to say that he's becoming impressed with my inclination + ability to chat with almost anyone. I think he's learning that conversation *generally* shows that people are NICE (!) and will make them more helpful toward you (if their help is what you need) -- shocker for him, I think.
My man and I come from different geographical, ethnic, and relational backgrounds. I think that's what contributes to our different attitudes about small talk & starting conversations. I also think that displacement from my natural environment (Philly girl in the Midwest) is what causes some of the Why-are-you-talking-to-me? looks -- part of the "friendliness" of the Midwest (and suburbs IMHO) is to mind one's own business, which apparently means no talking to strangers. Why is that friendly?
Enough rambling about myself. Melissa, here is my best tip to you re: talking to strangers: Don't take negative reactions personally. If they respond well, then your charm + their niceness = pleasant exchange. If they respond poorly, then move on. You are YOU, which means you will make mistakes as a human, and which also means that being those who are open enough to have it will enjoy your niceness. Go forth and converse, my friend.
Hey there! I recommend going in with a compliment - "Hi, I love your shoes!" - of they're looking for conversation too, they might tell you where the item is from, and then continue to talk. If they are not the chatty type, they'll just say thanks, and you can smile and leave.
Having had this problem years ago, this really helped me. Whenever you are out and about just ask someone for the time. Its that easy, do it 20 times a day, for as long as it takes, until just making a small comment to a stranger is really no big deal. You'll build up after a while, but until then, just the confidence of the time question is enough of a ego helper to get you to the next step. sherry
I don't know how it happened, but I went from being completely tongue-tied in social situations to having some magic gift for getting strangers to talk to me. There's nothing special that I do, really. I just make some offhand remark, like when I'm in line at the grocery, I might say to the cashier, "I hope you'll have a chance to get outside today--it's so beautiful out there!" They almost always respond somehow. In fact, often I leave the store knowing stuff about their family, their health, and I don't know what all. And I enjoy it!
It's still hard for me to walk into a party and mingle around, but I'm working on that one!
Hey Melissa! I like this assignment a lot. I've been trying (with success, I'm happy to report) to get better at making friends out of strangers too. Two tactics have helped me a lot:
1. Smile at everybody. Do it big, sincerely, generously and enthusiastically. Over the past few weeks I've tried to stop giving out my fake, half-a$$ed smiles and put effort into showing the REAL deal whenever I interact with folks. The response has been really amazing.
2. Try not to freak yourself out too much with the thought "what will I say to this stranger?" Think of someone who you get along with really well and try to imagine THEM on the opposite end of your interactions. Try to approach all of your exchanges with strangers like this -- whether it's an 80 year old bus driver or a 30 year old power executive. When you use the same sense of humor and kindness with strangers as you would when talking to your best friend, people will respond warmly.
And, you can always reference the classic text on the subject, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which offers these Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile.
3. Remember that a man's Name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in the terms of the other man's interest.
6. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Good luck with your mission!
I have your problem too, Melissa--feeling your pain! I also have trouble going from the initial contact to actually being friends. In recent years I've tried to approach more people and make friends, but whenever I exchange numbers with someone to meet up again, I'll call and they never call back! Grrr Am I being too eager / desperate? I dunno... anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes!
A big smile and "How's your day so far?" will generally start a conversation flowing.
Most people don't realize the impact they have by even just smiling. I read/saw a story somewhere where a lady who was the victim of domestic abuse changed her decision to end her life just because someone walking down the street smiled at her. A very small act of kindness that made a huge difference to someone.
A lot of people are secretly struggling with a lot of bad stuff so instead of feeling scared when you strike up a conversation, think about how you may just be making that person's day.
This is such a fantastic idea. I've been trying to get better at this myself. My boyfriend is exceptionally good at small talk (one of the many reasons I love him) -- he's always able to make strangers laugh. I agree with other comments that paying someone a compliment is often a really easy way to start a conversation and it makes them feel good, even if that's the only exchange you have with them. And asking questions and listening carefully can help keep the conversation going; I've discovered the quickest way to end a conversation is to talk about yourself and not ask any questions. I'm going to keep trying to develop this skill!
I used to work at a Hallmark and as a naturally shy person, like yourself, I had trouble making small talk with the people as they would come up to the cash register. Like a lot of other people that have posted, I found that complimenting people was one of the best ways to get a conversation started. Plus, it always seemed to make someone's day. An added bonus! Good luck on your quest to be a less shy ... I'm right there with ya!
My husband and I are dangerous on elevators or in hallways. We always talk to strangers!
But I am shy in other ways, like at a party when I don't know someone - and I have to make more than small talk -- I have a really hard time! It's one thing for me to mingle at Starbucks about how cute the teddy "bearistas" are -- its another thing for me to talk over drinks at a party during cocktail hour when not much is going on besides cocktails.
I completely get this! I'm fine if someone starts first, but if I'm the starter, I'm often in trouble. I don't want to come off weird! [I'm wondering now if this post is meandering over in that direction!!!]
I started noticing that I would walk away from that checker at the store or the barrista thinking, she had cute hair or he's always so nice and pleasant when I come in here---but I never said anything! So that was it, I made the decision to begin making those observations to the person and forced myself to do it. At first, it was bad, but now it's not so awful.
I'm right there with you. Because I have to give presentations a lot and used to be a teacher, my colleagues think I'm naturally outgoing, but it's quite the opposite!
All of these tips are very helpful.
This is a great challenge!
Since you all have covered the first part (striking up the conversation), I'll follow up with my favorite question to ask someone new once you're already chattering away.
"So, what's your story, Melissa?"
I've been doing this for almost a year now & it's incredible the replies that question draws. So much more fun than, "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?"
Give it a whirl!
I totally relate! I still freeze up around strangers and oftentimes say stupid things that make me want to run away and cry... some days are better than others (and a drink or two always helps, as bad as that sounds!!).
PS, I'm going to be at the HOW conference, too, and I am super duper excited... if I see you, I will be sure to awkwardly tell you that you're my idol while my face turns red and say something stupid and you will feel like the least shy person in the world once you witness my weirdness! :-)
Compliments always work when starting a conversation or when stuck in a conversation. People generally enjoy being complimented and talking about themselves. If you can't start a conversation after a compliment then the person you are interacting with doesn't want to talk...don't take it personally.
Me too, Alecia! I moved here to Chicago a few months ago, and while I've made a lot of contacts, I can't do the closer on the deal. It's SO frustrating.....
I'm super introverted so this is an issue for me as well, Mel. It's a good self-assignment. I've never really 'networked' before I moved, either, so here's some tips that I've picked up or tried that have worked for me so far. I think I'm still pretty bad and it (and I'm TERRIBLE at small talk), but I think I have definitely seen marked personal improvement:
1. Meditate
I know this one might sound silly, but just taking a few moments before a bout of dealing with people (such as the HOW conference) can help turn things around. Project yourself successfully conversing with other people in your mind, and build yourself up. If you're introverted (and not just shy), we gain our energy from alone time, and expend it on interaction, whereas extroverts gain energy from connecting with people. So I also think meditating helps you tap into those energy stores to use with success at events.
2. Evaluate your 'performance' after to figure out what went right/wrong.
Another silly sounding one...but this is a personal one that worked for me. After the event, I kind of replay in my mind how I acted and the interactions I made to see where I might have went wrong. (My most common transgression is that I'm REALLY bad at ending conversations and transitioning to new groups of conversing people). This will help point out your weaknesses and things to practice and even consider while you follow #1.
3. Don't beat yourself up
Related to #2. I just got back from a networking event where I met a lot of cool people and did some good interacting (evaluated from #2). However, two weeks ago, I went to a designer event, and pretty much sat in the corner and didn't want to talk to anyone! When I came home, I didn't want to network or go meet people anymore! But I realized that I'm on and off with small talk, and despite times where I just don't interact or do a bad job of it, there's still a general positive trend in small talk ability. At the same time, I realize that being shy/introverted is part of who I am, so if it happens to take major precedence at an event, I tell myself it was just the atmosphere, or just that night (not in the right mood, maybe) and prepare for the next time.
Lastly, along those lines, remember that this is part of who you are. I think Kirwin above mentioned envying charismatic people. Don't. Maybe you're not charismatic or can talk to anyone, but maybe the people you DO talk to you have deep, meaningful connections with. There are definitely positives and negatives to both sides of the introvert/extrovert coin. That's why I mentioned number 3. While you can practice and get good at small talk and stuff, a lot of it is baked into your personality, at least I think so, so I try not to be hard on myself when that part of my personality reveals itself more on those occasions.
Hope this helps!
Sometimes I really don't like making small talk because I feel like I'm not doing justice to the person by not having a real conversation -- that being said -- I am REALLY good at small talk. I think after working in a cafe for a length of time gave me those skills!
I like this assignment too. It always does feel uncomfortable when making small talk with strangers. I'm not good at. I think its part why I'm single still. :( I'll try this too!
ow what a good assignment. I'll go with you and try this week Melissa!
I'm shy as well. And, basically, I just have NO idea what to say. I'm just blank, I look at someone, smile and say......nothing. Even comments about the weather just don't come to mind. hahaha.
I started to say "goodmorning" to everyone I see during my walk with my dog. It helps to get contact. But actually chat, hmm, no.
I'll try, this week and am curious to see your achievements!
Dear Melissa, you have some good advice given in these comments.
I am a talker. I talk to random people all the time. You could "practice" while at the grocery store. If you see someone reaching for a product ask if it's better than the one beside it or something like that.
I once struck up a conversation in line at Wal-Mart that led to a gal and her family joining our (former) church and becoming a leader in Sunday School. You never know what a simple "Geez, you think they could open a few more check-outs?" can lead to.
Good luck but I believe you will do just fine!
YES! Small talk is my favorite. Just kick it off with a 'how are you doing?' Talk about the weather, life, etc. Compliments are also a great starter - tell them you like their shirt or bag. If you run into this person often enough, you'll start to remember little details about them - then can start asking about kids/holidays/weekends/etc! And maybe eventually they'll turn into a friend :) And the best thing about small talk, is that you could be brightening up that persons day 100% and not be aware of it!
I usually just say something about the surroundings...like the coffee smelling good or pastries look nice. You never know how people will react, but at least you tried. I love your blog...very nice! :-)
~Kim
Melissa, I will be another friendly face at the HOW conference!
Hi! I came back today to see what kinds of good tips everyone left yesterday, and there were some really great ones!
As I was reading through the remarks, I remembered something Sr. Mary told my 7th grade class a million years ago. She said we should remember especially to smile and say hi to an elderly person if we passed them, because we might be the only person they had to speak to all day. That really stuck in my mind, and to this day I try to remember to speak to senior citizens, especially the lonely looking ones!
I came back to comment also, a bit late, but oh well!
A friend and I actually made a bet with each other to encourage meeting new people. We both love it when men wear sweater vests and so decided that the one to gather the most photographs of guys in sweater vests at the end of the year wins a wonderful prize!
We are both pretty competitive, but also shy, so this allows for us to meet new guys in a very different way while also creating for some fun memories since the rule is that we have to be in the picture with the guy!
I run a small coffee shop where I have to talk to people all day long and one after the other manage small talk and I guess you could say that I am pretty good at it after 8 years or so but take me to a party and I will hide in the corner. It's crazy and even with my experience/practice I have never really been able to remedy it. So I feel for you. But maybe the world needs all kinds so they still need us too. And... for such a shy person I am loving your blog because it is so open and honest.
Hi Melissa
I'm an extrovert, so making conversations with people is no work for me at all. That said, often times if I make small talk, those less outgoing than I have difficulties responding. So I do understand where you are coming from.
Simple things like the weather, or an event on in town, can be the catalyst for a conversation.
One thing I do to get a conversation going with someone I may have met is to find out (subtly) what they are interested in, and then drive the chat in that direction. You'll gain their interest because they can relate to the subject and often you'll find that they will open up for a wider ranging chat.
Well, that's my experience...and it has worked wherever I have planted my roots...from Toowoomba in Qld, Australia, to your country for 10 years, and now back in Brisbane, Australia. It's universal. :-)
Cheers!
Kim
Hi Melissa: I walk a lot and pass people walking their dogs. I love animals so I ask permission to pet the dog. Usually I carry on a small conversation with the dog telling him he's cute or whatever and the finale is Do you like cats? For some reason it always sparks a reply from the owner. No he doesn't like cats or yes he does. It's quite amazing how that conversation can continue through an animal and the animals are non judgemental.
Test it out and you'll see.
Best always, Sandra
Glad to know I'm not the only one who has trouble starting conversations. Thanks for the helpful tips. I will take on your challenge and make it my goal to start at least one conversation with someone I don't know today.
WOW...I love " Xstal" comment - "they should make badges" what an awesome idea. Does anyone on here make circle pins like "vote for etc". how cool would it be to wear one with a shy looking child on it that says "do you want to chat"!!!??
I love this idea and linked back to it on my blog! And I definitely get where you're coming from being pretty shy myself!
Melissa and Brooke-
I will be attending the HOW Conference as well. This is the first time for me, and I am totally shy about approaching people and starting up small talk. I'd love to meet up and say hi to a familiar face, even if it is just from blogger!
(Melissa, don't know if you remember, but you put together a website for me a few years ago!)
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